Its human nature to want to procreate another version of us to continue through generations. What does having kids mean? Well to most of us its a huge blessing and challenge. So how does it all start and what really happens to a couple when plus one (or more) is added to the equation?
So your half of a couple all loved up and happy living in a dream world of houses, holidays and friends then one of you throws a huge spanner in the works daring to utter the words 'kids', then what? Well you get on with it and decide to 'try' for a baby. The next few months are spent watching the calendar and everything has to be timed and the fun turns into a military timetable. You get used to the idea it's not that easy and may take a while then 'bang' it's happened your pregnant! The male of the couple comes home from work greeted with a huge Cheshire cat grin and a candlelit dinner. He thinks either he has done something wrong or she wants something, totally forgetting what the last few weeks have been about. Sheepishly he sits down and waits with a nervous smile playing on his quivering lips.
'were pregnant' is blurted out somewhere between the carrots and the custard. Almost choking on the shock the man's reaction will be his biggest acting roll yet. He can be truthful and say 'oh shit' or he can play along and jump up with far too much enthusiasm. The latter for the record is always a winner guys!
Then it starts dates in the diary, scans, midwives, cot buying, pram buying, tiny clothes in oversized wardrobes, colour schemes and arguments about wether or not to find out the sex. The female is completely cut off from normality and begins 'nesting' the male is on egg shells weighing up the mood of his partner before ever opening his mouth.
As it looms closer to the due date, the woman goes into a hormonal frenzy of OCD proportion making sure everything is ready and buys 2 of everything she has already bought for the baby. The days creep closer,the male grows more nervous then the inevitable happens....LABOUR BEGINS.
The man is thrown into a strange female world of hatred and resetment and hears his beloved partner spouting words he has never heard her say, her grip is stronger than the local arm wrestling champion as she decides to make him pay for her pain. He realises that this is the end of the twosome, the end of everything he knows and the beginning of a completely daunting life!.
Then the moment arrives the baby is born. The couple fall in love with the slimey, blood covered screaming floppy,purple bundle.The little person opens its eyes and their world will never be the same again.
As the new parents take time to drink in every detail of their new born they completely forget about the last few hours and embark on the rest of their lives, the worry, the stress, the loss of identity the no longer being a person in your own right.
Home time! The time to bring baby home, the struggle to get this crumpled ball of vomit and crap into the car seat without breaking it! Driving home takes twice as long cos mummy throws the blackest stare at the daddy he has ever seen if he slightly, by that meaning by 1 mile per hour goes faster than normal. The whole street is curtain twitching as they watch the new family bundle the baby inside as if it will freeze to death if they don't run!
The next few hours are spent staring at the baby in case it stops breathing or moves. For some reason once home and awake the baby begins to cry and doesn't stop for roughly 3 years. The nights are long and filled with crying, boiling kettles, nappies and yawns. The days are full of black eyed parents snapping, starving and smelling because you don't get time to shower cos baby has a 7th sense and knows the second you want to do something for yourself. You cannot leave the house without copious amounts bags, clothes and bottles not forgetting the breast pads and a spare top for those embarrassing leaks!
A 30 minute shopping trip turns into a half day marathon spending most of your day in public toilets either feeding or changing baby and talking to strangers about your bits!
Then one blissful night your baby sleeps through until morning. You awake for a brief second feel good then suddenly, furiously shake your partner to wake them, because your baby must have died because its not woken you, you push each other into the baby's room and creep to the cot. Baby is fast asleep, you coo over it till it wakes the new phase has begun. You get into a routine, feeding, changing, preparing, socialising, talking about baby and nothing else, moving cos your house is too small, buying a dog cos that's the norm choosing a babysitter that won't throw a party, have sex on your sofa or get drunk or stoned.
The next phase will be posted shortly please enjoy and don't be put off!
Instalment 2 of KIDS!
Toddler phase! Well where do I start? This little person now has a voice, an opinion (which is usually no!). They are inquisitive, fearless, climb everything and anything, look like a Dalmatian thanks to all the bumps and falls they encounter whilst climbing everything. They run everywhere, trash everything, empty your CD/DVD collection and drawers EVERY DAY, they throw food not eat it, they smear food on everything, not eat it. They eat worms, soil, fluff and bugs. They refuse to sit in their push chair and contort into strangest floorboard type positions to stop you from sitting them down, they announce that they have 'poo poo'd' to anyone who will listen and they waft their distinctive odour as they waddle past giggling because you have to try wrestling them to the floor for the privieledge of cleaning it up! Then they melt your heard by giving the wettest, sloppiest kisses, handing you a 'picture' they painted or handprints they printed. They hold their little chubby arms up and look at you with their big glazed, tired eyes and completely counteract all the days stress they caused with one little cuddle.
Bedtime! Ha they think not! They lull you into a false sense of security by nicely having their bath, you dry them running round the house, they pee in the corner behind the sofa, you clean it up, they run free giggling manically as you chase them exhausted. Finally you catch them cover them in powder so they look like a human bon bon then snuggle with a bottle and a book. You see their eyes rolling like an old alcoholics and take them upstairs creeping ever so slowly. Then BOOM! The second they hit the sheets they are wide awake, screaming and absolutely not going to sleep!
you spend the next hour or so dropping asleep in the doorway of their bedroom so they will go to sleep then wake dazed and confused with a stiff neck. Once back downstairs you tidy up the path of destruction the day has left and sit down. Believe it or not you actually miss that little bundle of mischief and smile as you take yourself to bed and flop onto the pillow. This happens until school!
School is the next phase! Once your child has been accepted in the school of your desired choice (if your lucky) you then proceed to buy 2 of everything on the 'suggested' list just to be sure and make your child look like a 'geek'. Once the big day arrives you get up early with the intent this will happen every day when actually once the newness wares off you struggle to make it in time every day! You dress your budding pupil, feed them a hearty breakfast and pack them on their way on the dreaded 'school run' There is road rage, pedestrians almost being mowed down by working parents in a hurry, the lollypop person waiting for the stragglers, the children who literally just got up and dashed out, the mothers with bedraggled faces and hair too tired to know what day it is. Once you arrive at the school you catch up on the gossip with the other parents whilst your children play and tear round the yard like hooligans before the bell. They line up like minions at the door before marching in. Your little one suddenly looks so small and vulnerable you want to scoop them up and take them home. You watch them go inside after getting them into a headlock just so you can have a kiss goodbye. Reluctantly you walk away periodically glancing behind you to make sure they haven't made a dash for it and followed you. Now what? You suddenly have spare time? What do you do? Well you either go to work or stay home and work, sort the house keeping, cook, clean, wash then its time to pick them up!
You stand excitedly anticipating your little one to come out and greet you. The proud warm glow you feel when their little face beams at you as they run over and hug you, priceless!
The next instalment, High school next! Thanks for reading see you soon!
