Adopted?

Your Adopted? Is usually followed with that 'look', you know the one, when you tell someone that your ill or that someone has died, that apologetic look followed with the words 'oh I'm sorry'. Sorry? Why? I'm not! It's nothing to be ashamed of, I didn't give birth to me and give myself away like an unwanted Christmas gift. Although It must have taken my mother a while to decide I didn't fit because I was almost 4 when I was put up for adoption.

Who came up with these terms anyway? 'Put up' like an auction on ebay with a non returnable policy attached.
I guess my story would make good viewing on one of those documentary programmes on terrestrial TV but It's not finished yet!
I met my birth father 7 years ago and his somewhat, all be it warranted, wary family. You see I wasn't quite planned (who is?). I was the result of a whirlwind, get you leg over, pass the time affair that didn't last. I suppose you could look at it as a negative, I see it as a gift of life which has brought me many ups and downs and will continue to do so. The good things to come from this are a plenty including my adoptive family whom I call earth angels. I wouldn't be who I am, where I am, with whom I am or have the children I have if It wasn't for that decision to let someone give me what she couldn't by my birth mother.

Have I met her or do I remember her?
No.
Will I meet her?
No, I have been informed she passed away the year my firstborn was Introduced to this crazy world.
How do I feel about this?
A mixture of feelings really! You go through the usual anger, sorrow, disappointment , blame but once you become a mother/father yourself the feelings change. You understand more, forgive and move forward. I am beginning to think about what it would be like to be face to face to the woman who gave me life, to ask her questions and to touch her skin, see her eyes and listen to her voice. Would I remember her voice if it spoke to me? I have not seen any photographs of her just had descriptions from people who met her, she gave me my short height!
I know things were complicated, I was born 8 weeks early and we were apart for 5 weeks, this caused the bonding process to be put on hold, She was said to have not been able to bond with me and was said to have told people she couldn't love me. Strangely I get this, I understand the whole new baby blues the struggle and hormone tidal wave. I forgive her and I do not resent her or feel anger towards her anymore.

Holding my baby in my arms made me wonder how anyone could give their little miracle of life away but, everyone who does has their personal reasons and the interest of their baby at heart believe it or not.

I searched for my family once I had my second and so far final child. I felt the need to feel complete and that my children deserved to know who they were and where they came from. For some reason, call it 6th sense, I did not wish to search for my mother at this time, just my father.
The decision was not made lightly as there are so many people involved in this messed up situation. Luckily I was supported by all my loved ones and given their blessing to start the difficult journey that still continues to this day.

I won't go into full details as I am toying with the idea of writing a book about it all in the future and don't want to spoil it! Do you think It's a good Idea?

What I will say is that my search for my paternal side was successful, complicated yet worth every tear and every rejection to have them in my life.
I do not have any completely full brothers and sisters but all half. My father had 2 girls (3 including myself) and 2 boys. All from his marriage that was on a separation at my conception.  My birth mother had (up until my adoption is all I know) 7 (including me). The maximum of 2 to any one father. I have never met any of my maternal siblings but that's a journey I have not fully embarked on for many reasons.

You still with me? I know it's tricky!

So I contacted a charity local to myself who helped me to find my father thanks to my filed records from my adoption and beforehand. Exciting and nerve wracking times!
The search wasn't a long one and was successful! And he wanted to get in contact with me, he had been searching for 8 years! This was such a huge step for me and my family to take but I couldn't find him then do nothing so I agreed to writing letters initially then phone calls then meeting!

My father did not know of my existence until I was 2 years old and the CSA contacted him over payment for a daughter (double whammy!). He agreed to my adoption as his marriage had broken down and he felt I would not be welcomed into his family unit and that he could not give me what my adoptive family could alone.

Understandably his children were not all keen to meet me due to the family being broken due to my fathers affair, but somehow the anger and resentment was aimed in my direction not helped by the fact one of my half brothers was terminally ill and they were preparing to grieve. And to add salt to the wound they were told I was brought up by my birth mother and did not realise I was adopted. 
I did get to meet him thankfully and to this day will never forget those precious 24 hours we got to share.

My father and I are still in contact, see each other at least once a year and his children have come to accept me and realise I am not looking for anything from them or my father except to know them and for them to know me.

There is far more to this story but if you want to find out let me know if I should go forth and write the book!

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